However, I realized this past year that there was something missing and have considered it in light of my own development: empathy. Obviously, it was a blind spot for me, however now it is an opening and no longer a gap.

As I looked over my last couple of years of performance and development, I've realized I'm doing a lot of really positive things. Yet, I still don't have the freedom I want, nor do I have the inner peace I want around knowing that I'm reaching as fully as possible into the river of potential available to me.

As a theo/utilitarian, I see the value in continuing to learn and grow personally and professionally. Yet, at times, I find that I can increase my freedom by operating a part from the community as a whole. This "isolation on purpose" allows me to accomplish many things, yet I want more from my life and contribution. In order to move to the next level of my own development, I have to view my own development as integral to the development of the community around me.

Again, my utility sees the ability to provide a quid pro quo that as a strength helps me to over the barriers I might feel in committing to a community of support. The other issues required in a CoS is vulnerability. Leaders at all levels requires those same leaders to pick up and hand over the leadership duties to others in the community, thus creating vulnerability.

In some ways, the CoS will serve a number of needs any growing community has as it develops over time. It is not just knowledge sharing, but learning how to lead and promote others to lead and develop that becomes key. I won't say this is completely missing in B\Coach, as there are a number of key structures in place to accomplish much of this community of support and learning. Yet, I feel that I/WE are ready to take the next step in our own evolution as we seek to bring our knowledge into the center of the learning cycle. Remember? Concrete Experience, Reflective Observation, Abstract Conceptualization and Active Experimentation.

When we marry the learning cycle to specific perspectives, we can evolve our own growth and development in support and supported by others. At least that is my assumption. I think there is some good research data to support my mental models here.<G>

So, in my own case, I've been reflecting on the different aspects of my own life that I want to focus on over time. The new year always brings an opportunity for reflection, at least for me. I realize that in the past year, I've given up quite a bit to do what I've done and while I wouldn't change it, I asked myself the question....can I have it all?

I feel I can.

However, it will take more attention to my intention and an intention that is aligned for me to build capability. Notice, how the streams I'm labeling are a part of the LFS. In order to build capability, I need coaching. Over the past few years I've used about 13 coaches at different times. In fact, I still continue to use just in time coaching where I see it is germane to my path and that won't change. However, I wonder how many of you have coaches you can use JIT or JIC (Just in Case)?

Enter the CoS.

Here's what I'm proposing...

I've set aside Monday evenings from 8:45 PM ET until 10:30 PM ET for a virtual convening of this CoS. It is entirely optional and has nothing to do with the requirements for the program, CEUS, classes, or anything else. I'm going to host the call, not control it. I will seek to get my needs met, however I don't see why that will prevent those from attending in getting their own needs met.

I'm not entirely sure what a CoS is yet, as I've never really been a part of one, nor have I convened one. I do see it as a distant cousin to a mastermind, however the mastermind probably has a higher degree of familiarity. The one thing I do see they have in common is "strict" confidentiality. In fact, I see our generic B\Coach Values: Right Action, Respect Confidentiality, Development and Mastery as essential subjective guidelines for the CoS ISIS.

I don't intend to create a formal ISIS for the CoS, however I'm going to identify my own as I bring my own Intention into my attention and alignment.

Ok, what I've decided to do on those Monday Evenings beginning Jan 7, 2002 and lasting formally until Labor Day in Sept is to focus on four areas, create an Intention, with Sos, KSFs, Goals and Standards for my "attic memes" those aspirations I have about the present and future of my life as I live it. You're invited to join me with your own intention and attention.

Depending on how many people show up each week, I figure we'll split the available time among the participants and use the time in the manner we wish; whether it be in affirming our intention, getting coaching from others on barriers, sharing our experiences with others, of course generating new ideas to reach our objectives and whatever else emerges. It can be used as an accountability opportunity for those of us who wish to utilize "peer knowledge" to push us forward; some of us are just like that...don't know whether it is the issue of "because I told people about it, I'll put more energy into it, or the issues of threat, fear or embarrassment...who knows...?

I plan to work with objectives in four areas of my life:

Strategic Objectives

Physical: focus more each day on my health and physical well-being.

Emotional: attend to my emotional well-being and peace of mind

Financial: integrate the "richdad-poordad principles in choose to be rich formula"

Systems: identify, define and implement more async systems

Each week, I intend to hold myself accountable for measurable progress in these perspectives on Monday at 8:45 PM ET, by showing up or reporting into the community the capability I've managed the prior weeks. I may not disclose what I'm up to, but by showing up or focusing my attention and creating external pressure, I'm creating artificial pressure so my pressure prompted nature won't get in my way of having what I want now instead of always striving for it.<G>

I'm even thinking <just thinking at this stage> of making these processes semi-public to this group and allowing you to log into a special site I'm considering (leaving myself some options here--how imp is this to me really<VBG>?)where I document this journey...boy am I making myself uneasy now.<VVBG>

Anyway, I'll struggle with all of this, I just thought if I disclosed what I'm doing that some of the rest of you might want to come and play with me in a supportive, yet accountable environment. Now, some of you might say...this is opposite of what we're taught. However, I ask you to see that "I" am the one initiating this and I am not asking you to be my formal coach, but to encourage, support and affirm me in this environment as I take initiative on my own to move forward. In exchange (util), I'll do the same for each of you.

That's it, every Monday starting next week (although I've already started all of this work a few weeks ago), I'll see you there. Are you up to the support?<VBG>

The number is listed on the INTRANET, but here it is:

Mondays thru Labor Day: 865-362-4050 PIN 1950# 8:45 PM ET Come if you dare!

No need for RSVP, excuses, etc<G>, just show up if you're interested, HOWEVER you have to work, you can't just watch!

mike

Sent: Wednesday, January 02, 2002 9:43 AM

To: Mike Jay

Subject: RE: Creating a "Community of Support" in 2002? [Sorry for crosspost]

Hi Mike and Happy New Year,

Feeling pretty good this morning and thought I'd drop you a line. Some of the feel good is from LSU working Ill. over last night. Just finished reading your letter and was surprised and pleased. My response is more on a personal note than as a student or colleague. When I came into b-coach I was looking for a community where "sharing growth" was important. Obviously there must be a leader and a process. I have great regard for the process and respect you for your insights, intellect and passion. I have however been presented with another internal issue as a result of b-coach. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what the issue is but to get straight to the point it's been my reaction to your approach. Please understand I'm not suggesting fault or blame or a "you need to get your act together" thing. I'm saying that I expected "we're all in this together, let's learn together" and that is just not happening for me. Sometimes is feels like the process is more important than the people learning the process. My reaction to you is clearly my problem. Joyce Baker and I have talked about it. It has made me revisit my reason for entering b-coach in the first place. Here's the reasons:

- To learn more about coaching. I realize my years of doing therapy is not enough.

- To get to know people all around the country. (Didn't know it was going to be the world.)

- To "feel" a part of something that was great. Coaching is great and your process is also outstanding.

- To develop life-long friends. I hesitate to say contacts (too cold) or collaborators (too business), actually I want more out of my professional life than just c or c.

So far I have achieved three of the four. I have not yet been able to feel a part of something great. At this point I feel like I'll finish this process, move down the road and never the twain shall meet. Don't want that to happen. Therefore, I believe your Monday call can be "God sent" for me. I intend to be on the call every chance I get. Thanks for your vulnerability and please accept this catharsis in the spirit I intend it.

Best to you,

Bob

Sent: Wednesday, January 02, 2002 9:26 AM

To: Dr.Bob@InfluentialEdge.com

Subject: RE: Creating a "Community of Support" in 2002? [Sorry for crosspost]

Hi,

Thanks for the note.

Not once while I read did I feel defensive.<G>

However, one thing I "hope" you're learning is about the natural and unnatural difference between preferences, especially the T and F function. It is impersonal versus personal and while we all have the functions in our "systems" our preference for their use and application is vastly different.

Actually to a select few of us, who have been with this awhile, we have what you describe. Yet, the community at large sometimes is turned off by "me". I notice it, have for a long time. I've rationalized it, agonized over it and minimized it. Over time, if people really want to be a part of a learning community, we have one at the core of this group, something not easy to maintain or continue to grow. And yes, it is all over the world!

The community of support is something that is unique--as I've never heard of it before, so maybe it is a "way" for someone like me to create more of a space for the personal part of our needs among members.

Generally speaking, we don't attract a lot of "FRS into the community, it is Ts 3:1. If you go to CIF, you'll find it the other way around and largely female 80-20, where we are more 50-50, so there REALLY is a difference in the "atmosphere" something you stated you "felt or sensed" but couldn't put your finger on. Since you've "conditioned" yourself to play in this T game over time, you can manage it, but it doesn't feel right....I'm the same way, I'vet conditioned myself over time to manage my "feelings" when I sense the F environment (touchy feely)<G>, and the F type as a whole, however I still have a LOT of work to do with the "questioning F" type, which still raise the hackles on the back of my neck!

I've thought about it a lot and I've tried to allow myself the space to recondition myself, just as Fs will have to do so to manage in the executive suite (79 % some combo of T according to CAL surveys). In a lot of ways, it is what is wrong with the world...why a Monsanto can poison an entire town and know they are doing it because the people are not sophisticated to resist and thousands of other issues each day that get made by "impersonal" leaders and executives.

So, you've hit upon an ideal topic to at least examine during the course of support time, hope to create the space for your contributions and the learning and growth you desire!

mike

Sent: Friday, January 04, 2002 2:48 PM

To: Mike Jay

Subject: RE: Creating a "Community of Support" in 2002? [Sorry for crosspost]

Hi Mike,

Thanks for the response. The process and you personally are producing the space for me to learn and grow. I do have some sense about the difference between T and F and personal vs. impersonal. Also have a lot to learn. Since my preference is F I have spent years recognizing the value of T. Once had a colleague who asked me "how did I ever get through my Ph.D. degree because of my style," "Just felt my way through it." I think the personal vs. impersonal is my dilemma. I have seen dominant thinkers who acquire the ability to be personal. Also dominant feelers who resort to impersonal. Sometimes I believe it's more of the "messages" through life or socialization than preference. Lots to talk about here.

At any rate, you've been a challenge for me. I see all challenges as something the "universe" wants me to learn. so in a strange way my reason for being in b-coach is more than academics or practicum in coaching. It's about me dealing with what I interpret as people who have personal passion that drives the "point" and misses the people. (Not a criticism of you) Here goes my preference and assumptions again!

In conclusion, as I was wrestling with this I was given a quote, "Do not bite my finger, look where I'm pointing." Made all the sense in the world to me. Thanks for "pointing" and the challenges. Look forward to Monday night. Regret I missed the Exec. Call on Thursday I was with my Texas client.

Best to You,

Bob

Sent: Friday, January 04, 2002 6:29 PM

To: Dr.Bob@InfluentialEdge.com

Subject: RE: Creating a "Community of Support" in 2002? May I have permission to use this dialogue?

Importance: High

Hi,

Cool note.

Here's something that has helped me learn about what you said about

this:

It's about me dealing with what I interpret as people who have personal passion that drives the "point" and misses the people.

You see what I have finally figured out is NOT to confuse INTENTION with behavior. I fully intend and care about people, but as a person who sees things objectively, logically and impersonally, I can't figure out why people get so upset.

I'm just coming off a personal run-in with this as I write this and am still shaking as someone has really taken me to task and been very hurtful to me as a result of either "taking me down a notch" or having to prove they're right.

Essentially, I felt it came down to them criticizing me for my INTENTION and not my behavior. They interpreted my behavior as my intention and that is why I think it is valuable as you state to come to learn about ourselves and what we bring to the misunderstanding.

In the future, I will be much more careful about trusting people until I can see they will understand I make a lot of mistakes out of good intention. Having someone criticize your intention as might be interpreted from:

"personal passion that drives the "point" and misses the people."

Is a very valid point to consider for me in my stated journey of empathy.

Many people say to me, Mike, you have a lot of empathy. Yet, some people say, "I have no people skills, I suck" these are actual feedback I've received.

What I conclude is that some people see my behavior as my intention. When my behavior is poorly constructed or "impersonal" it comes across as if I don't care. That couldn't be farther from the truth.

So, the issue for me (as a logician) is to look at the numerator and the

denominator:

On one hand, I don't intend for people to think I don't care.

On the other hand, I don't behave the way some people think I should.

You can see this produces many opportunities (TRAPS<G>) for me:

Here's what I mull over:

Don't go around people. (easier<g)

Don't trust people because they don't see me as "good" and well-intentioned although misbehaving. Limit my personal life to people and don't expose myself. Stay conscious all the time when I'm around people...(hard to do this

one)

Not be myself, but project who I want to be seen as.

Don't make mistakes in behavior.

Be so present that I can behave according to cue and differences in people (tough) Keep a professional distance from people NEVER relax, because when I do because I'm so extraverted, risk-taking, hard-charging, etc. I often tread where others don't, so my behavior is seen as erratic, eccentric, crazy<G>, unprincipled, misguided, etc. Build an inner circle who values me and allows me to make mistakes Don't care what people think, behave the best I can as a human, don't worry about it.

These are the ones I came up with in a very short period of time, there are a lot more (BTW, these are assumptions<G>)

So, maybe my journey can be helpful to you in your journey,

Thanks for the thoughts!

Mike

PS: May I have permission to make these comments pubic in my journal?

Sent: Sunday, January 06, 2002 12:22 PM

To: Mike Jay

Subject: RE: Creating a "Community of Support" in 2002? May I have permission to use this dialogue?

Morning,

Appreciate your response. Your journey IS helpful to me. Along with learning "exactly" what I need for coaching it's really cool getting to know you and the struggle you mention in your email. I was talking with Jinger the other day about an issue concerning one of our boys and she asked me why I was so angry. I told her I wasn't angry but "only passionate" about the topic. Whether angry or not I'm realizing my communication has a "charge" behind it and sometimes the "ordinance" (emotion) that drives the comment needs to be like a firecracker but I replace it with a nuclear charge. The power behind it blows her out of the water therefore she "misses my point because of my power." INTEND to work on adjusting this because, as you said, my heart is right but delivery is overwhelming. Seems people get so upset because (?) their intake value is a completely different preference.

If you don't mind me being a little nosey and more of a friend I'd like to pontificate a little more. I continue to remember the Hans Isnic study that states, "A third of the people like you, a third don't and a third don't care." Certainly doesn't give me the right to disregard the feelings of others, but does give me the insight to realize I can't be all things to all people. It has always surprised and troubled me that some are threatened by me and candidly don't like me. They see me as arrogant and sometimes pushy. For the life of me I can't figure that out because of the love and compassion I have for others. Therefore, as I mentioned in a previous email, I have a real desire for a core group of friends and colleagues who are willing to take me as I am, warts and all. Honestly, for those who don't I just don't have the energy to mess with them.(hard to do) Realizing others are a mirror for my behavior is important for my development, but altering my personality to fit the "dysfunctional needs" of others is out of the question. I have had people who have confronted me with my behavior in an instructive fashion which has been good for me. On the other hand, those who have needed me to change to descend into what I believe is their own "sick" need in unacceptable. The way I have "judged" this is by their approach and what I conclude as their intention. (Generally, I ask what the intention is.)This allows me to maintain my own psychic boundaries and sense of self-esteem.

As far as your assumptions, I found them interesting and "somewhat" overwhelming. I would not even begin to comment on your thoughts or growth because it belongs to you. HOWEVER, I would say I like the one where you suggest building an inner circle of friends who value you and allow you to make mistakes. (My own need) The rest of them, if you don't mind my being straight, are bullshit. First, don't think you can ever do them and second, it wouldn't be Mike. (I understand they are just assumptions and you're free to list anything you like). In the spirit of grow we can go anywhere we want. I have found it valuable to have someone to help me create some boundaries for my growth because, in my passion, I often overshoot the target.

Thanks for letting me continue this with you. I know we both have a lot to do but it's been insightful and helpful. Great way to build a relationship, which is what all this is about anyway. Please feel free to make these comments public in your journal or however it best serves you.

Thanks again,

Bob

Thanks for your note and thoughts (and the quote reference too!) Robert Kiyosaki says his "rich dad" told him that quote, so his rich dad must have read or known Hans Isnic! This is cool because I like seeing how nothing changes, we do!

Also, when I listed my assumptions, I was making explicit even the ones that are BS, because I'm convinced from my research that whether we believe or subscribe to those babies or not, they are there and "brighten" or activate at various times. Even if, as Beck suggests, they are in the "basement" (past), they are still there, still supporting other beliefs and I want to make them explicit because at times, they do pop up.

Obviously, you realize what I've chosen based on my theory in use--build a community, stick to my guns and realize that I can't please everyone. However the challenge is business reality. I have to find a way to do both and THAT is the challenge!!!

Most of the time, I don't WANT or DESIRE to kiss people's butts. It just isn't easy to do. However what I have to realize is that if I change the attribution, something like this:

[Using a syllogism: btw, which BEM showed as the way belief structures are formed, 1971 book is out of print: Beliefs]

Statement 1

Statement 2

Syllogism of two statements

Some people don't like me.

I'm trying to be empathetic, compassionate and well-intentioned. Some people don't like me even when I'm empathetic, compassionate and well-intentioned.

Then there is this one:

Some people don't like me even when I'm empathetic, compassionate and well-intentioned. My feelings get hurt when people don't like me. Some people who don't like me hurt my feelings.

Then this one:

I don't like hurt feelings.

I don't kiss people's butts.

I don't like hurt feelings so I don't kiss people's butts.

Now, you say how in the world do I get to that...I never said belief formation was rational!

Actually, I have many more distortions than that, however sometimes I try this:

I want to be successful in business.

I don't like hurt feelings so I don't kiss peoples butts.

I don't look at it like I'm kissing people's butts, because I want to be successful.

Now, for the sake of time, I left out quite a few steps, yet, the attribution changes and it is not the issue of kissing people's butts, but managing a successful business that is more important to me.

The bigger WHY makes the how possible, even when it hurts.<G>

So, the point here is two-fold.

1. By understanding how people make meaning, we can help them form new meanings which are more leveraging for them.

2. By doing this exercise, I find that I can begin to unravel the belief structure that keeps me from changing my beliefs in a way that serves my purpose and helps me reach my potential.

I FEEL THERE IS A BIG POINT here.

The point is the issue of emotional competence. Now, I'm going to go the long way here, so bear with me.

First off there is an incredible piece of research which hardly anyone knows about:

The reason I draw your attention to this is that it is part of business reality that we fail to follow. The gist of the research is that people who did the job didn't get promoted near as fast, if at all, over those that played the political games, networked and "kissed people's butts!" In other words, it is just a fact of business reality, sad as it is.

The other issue contributing to my beliefs about how I have to change my own emotional competence lies in the research from EI. It indicates that EI is the basic reason for success.

Now, let's integrate that with, 1/3 of the people love you, hate you and don't care.

Now, let's pick up another piece of research (we paid for btw as it was done by gov.), that every person who is dissatisfied with you (that you piss off) tells on average 12.5 other people (13)!

You can see that it is only those who have extricated themselves from the rat race (where passive income > than expenses each month) can AFFORD the 1/3 scenario. I believe this is why people are not see as successful in business, as executives or as leaders, or as just people working their job.

I don't think anyone has ever put it like this, but this is what I've come to believe to cause me to start to try to shift my own "principles" of THEY CAN KISS MY ...you know what. I just want a bigger income or business that holding the KISS OFF beliefs can create.

Some will say I am inauthentic!

I don't think it has to do anything with authenticity, except that it is authentic for me to understand what I want and do what I have to do to get it, within the bounds of legal, moral and ethical guidelines. To me, that is authentic.

I hope that explains some of my concern, I feel it helps me go through it again because I'm making my beliefs known and also practicing these new beliefs which are a part of the "attic."

I'm going to kiss their butt all the way to the bank...and love how it creates my future and the future of my ability to contribute my efforts towards realizing my potential to serve others. Yet, there are going to be times, where I don't feel so peppy as I do now, especially like the other day...when I felt hit by a semi....

Thanks for serving as a partner in this past few exchanges. I won't be able to keep it up, as it is exceeding my allocation to my own development, I have to go make some money<G>.

mike