Duality and Challenge of Self and Other

Self & Other: Duality

I find it interesting that this morning it came to me that a number of the issues I have with my own engagement of development surround the constant pull between self and other. In thinking about Monetize, I noticed or felt that part of my self was struggling with what I have read in a very interesting dialogue translated by a Hindu Scholar about Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj. The book is called I AM THAT. (For those of you interested in rounding out your spiritual journey.

What's in the book is not why I'm revealing my developmental chaos, but it does support this contention of self and other. Inherently, if we pursue either path, we struggle as the polarity of self and other is obvious in all of our experience. Once the revelation occurred this morning, I began to look for support of this polarity in my own life. I noticed how I've understood spiral dynamics. After studying it off and on since 1996 when I read the book of the same name by Beck and Cowan, I've noticed that the Beige, Red, Orange, Yellow side (if there is one) of the spiral "seems" more at home for me. Of course to an extent, this particular side is more driven through self, while the other "side" of the spiral is characterized by other, or as they say, the sacrifice of self.

When I look at my dominant trait of dominance followed by extroversion, I notice that it explains how I prefer to "act" on the world, rather than allowing the world to come to me. If I pick up the Enneagram 8, again the reference to self and when the self is handled, a movement into security at 2, where others are more important, but into 5 in stress, again a tight attraction to the protection of self.

Perhaps my "forced upon myself" goal (out of utility) of sharing myself and my own development is in part cathartic to self and through the various mechanics of sharing I am diminishing and enlightening self. As stated in I AM THAT, (paraphrasing), when the self is no longer identified with the self, there is no for projection of the self and therefore the space for others is created and the duality disappears as all becomes one, as there is no difference between me and you, self and other.

As I witness myself in those moments where I'm am or forced to do so, I realize I am quite asleep in this regard. It does seem that all roads lead to this duality that I hold up to myself for examination. In my theories in use generated from my theories of right action, I notice that my identify still is indicative of the self and other struggle. My nature seems to be to act on, rather than receive, that is confirmed by the MBTI work that helps me understand that initiative for me as a preference is clear.

The question I often have in my mind is can I change?

However, the question I ask in response to that, do I want to change? This is more powerful for me as I'm not sure I'm willing to give up my self. Perhaps it is the current knowing that self is me and I am it, rather than "THAT." It could be that I'm not ready to shed the skin I like so well, although shedding some pounds would help me fit better within my skin. When I examine it at its root, I wonder just how much self-awareness I can stand in the end. [Some research has indicated that improvements in higher levels of self-awareness are not always accompanied by increases in happiness.] Perhaps this is the beginning where you face the duality of self and other and choose self, the preservation of self and the honoring of self. In some ways, this is my disdain for authenticity, so many people speak about. In order for us to be authentic, we have to be concerned with "something" being authentic. If everything is nothing, then how can authenticity be at issue? Hmmmm. Will continue to think on that one for awhile.

Truly for me, the struggle seems to be self and other, the two exist therefore the duality exists. The duality can only disappear when the dichotomy of self and other disappear. I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet, now I know why the Buddhists keep coming back until they get it right.<G>. However, I've began to notice the more I focus on development, the greater the chasm I realize exists at some fundamental levels in my being and consequently in my doing. Plato once said that 1/2 the answer is the right question. Perhaps I have 1/2 the answer. When I reviewed my developmental review that I did last year in June with a developmental psychologist, after I was able to read through all the gobbletygoop, I noticed the following recommendations again:

1. Personal Stretch Goals

Strengthen your ability:
• for deep listening, to understand where others “are coming from”
• of putting yourself in others’ shoes, by adopting their perspective

Observe your tendency to “respond in kind” when feeling personally threatened, and study the accompanying emotions

Increase your grasp of the transformational dynamic of systems, by:
• paying attention to what your perspective-taking excludes
• thinking in terms of processes rather than stable configurations

2. Professional stretch goals

• Establish more collaboration with others around work
• Foster greater affiliation and cooperation with others
• Allow for greater open mindedness to others ideas/viewpoints
• Foster more patience with others
• Introduce more follow-through and order in your own work.

Then I look at the action plan I created for myself in my developmental plan around empathy, which in my view corresponds directly to this report. Actually, I had forgotten about it<oops>. (Because I discounted the review because it seemed full of baloney that didn't resonate with me--a word of wisdom to coaches here from a person being assessed.)

Strategic Objectives:

Internal: Value others first, then decide

External: Involve others in my development

Financial: Establish financial gain from increasing my empathy

Developmental: Ask others for regular feedback

It is both amazing and disheartening that the two sets of action statements are in alignment. I'm beginning to believe that I am...self-evident to others. In some cases, it is encouraging because when I work with others, the evidence of self is clear to me and easy to work with the client on. Perhaps when the tables are turned, I have this stuff stamped all over me as well--the disheartening part. I think in some cases, we all like to appear like we're handling it all...the first trap of the illusion of self I suppose. The second probably seems that because we're handling it so well, that when we meet with resistance and defensiveness, it is someone else's issue--ugh. Just the sharing of this thought (although I'm not sure its true in my case<G> the third trap...delusion<g>) is disarming in a way and alarming in another.

The rub for me is that how do I deal with people who are not like me?

A better question is how do I manage business reality, which is really another term for other. We use a phrase I've coined called "integrating personal freedom and business reality." In all respects, it is nothing more than integrating self and other towards the non-dual state where no separateness exists. I suspect that most people don't get it that way because of the disguise the phrase has for what's accepted in our current world regarding self and other. In my case, the illusion presented by the words keeps us from removing the trappings of duality and seeing personal freedom and business reality as some altruistic goal of fitting in or managing what we know to be true. That is, how do we get along with the rules of "other" while maintaining our self-identity. This is where the authentic people come in. In order to manage authenticity we must have a self-identity to manage. Removing the self, removes the need and concern for authentic "nature."

In order to reconnect with my own need, for understanding the relationship I have with myself and the relationship I have with other, I realize that I'm beginning to ask the right questions, however they are MUCH different questions than I have the capability to deal with at present. I find them deeply concerning around my own journey and the journey I am in with others. I now am beginning to realize the struggle (as long as I make it one) around dealing with "living" and how I want to live. I suspect every hill leads to a valley and this one has led to the one I just saw...the future. I seem to always be in the future...with my plans, dreams, goals, objectives, postponement, possibilities, options. In fact, I seem to ONLY be looking at the future, which causes me to be sucked along the river of life without really understanding the present. I feel the present...I do take time to be present, however my true self-joy lies in what I'm creating, rather than creation....or does it?

I remember yesterday experiencing a strong euphoria as I enjoined myself in my work, lost track of time and felt truly in the moment of creation. Yet, was I in that moment or was I caught up in the future opportunity that the present would bring if my "ideas" that I was working on worked in business reality? Hmmmmm. I'll have to think on that one for awhile...